Grieving Afresh

When my wife, Candy, was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, she was still using her computer and enjoyed keeping in touch with friends and family. One day she got a Facebook prompt that Judy, a friend from New Jersey, was having a birthday, so she sent her a birthday greeting. Several days later she got a message from Judy’s daughter saying that her mother had died a couple of years ago but that her Facebook page was still active.

Candy came to me in tears saying that she had just seen that Judy had died, and asking if I knew that. Yes, I told her, we’d gotten word at the time, and Candy had grieved appropriately.

At our next appointment with our memory disorders doctor, she asked if we were aware of recent memory lapses. Candy said, “I don’t think so,” and looked to me to answer. I told the doctor about the experience with learning of Judy’s death. Almost immediately Candy exclaimed with fresh tears, “You mean Judy died? I didn’t know that!” The doctor gently assured Candy that the problem was her disease and not her lack of love for her friend.

Since then this pattern has repeated a number of times, and each time Candy grieves afresh. Like the doctor, I try to assure her that she’s not at fault. We use those occasions to reminisce with gratitude about loved ones from our past.