No Place for Shame

Linda, a woman in my caregivers’ support group, stared at me across the conference room table. “Even though my mom treated my sister Penny unkindly, Penny still takes care of her with all the love and respect Mom deserves,” she said. As she emphasized the last two words, everyone nodded and made approving sounds. Everyone but me. I sat in my place, anger hammering at my heart.

My muscles tensed with that old feeling of shame. The shame I felt when I was six and my mother yelled at me as my cousin looked on. Or embarrassed me in front of my friends when she corrected my manners. How dare Linda single me out in front of all these people, I thought. My comment a minute earlier about how I struggled to keep my patience with my hard-to-please mom was a plea for help. Not an invitation for Linda to scold me in front of others.

Just as I was thinking I’d never come back to this group—I’d find a new one—our leader Carolyn spoke up. “It sounds like your mom has always been a difficult person, Jeanette.” When I nodded hard, she asked the group to share some tips that had worked for them. Several encouraged me with ideas to make my relationship with Mom easier. To help erase the shame.

I decided to keep coming back.