I hit a wall on Sunday. Not literally, of course. I’ve faced a long, long run of problems that have required huge self-sacrifice, deep prayer, and immense self-control.
Last Sunday I was beyond tired. I had nothing left to give, no reserves of patience or energy. Then, naturally, the attack began. Feelings of wanting to give up trying, of rank exhaustion swirled in my head, and I had nothing left with which to fight them.
I walked away. Actually, what I did was walk to church instead of taking the bus. It was a full two miles in the snow and cold. One foot after the other, hands in pockets, thinking only of taking the next step.
Instinctively I knew that even if only 10% of my stuckness was a physical manifestation of stress, at least I could work off 10% of the problem.
When I got to church the service had already started. My head was a bit clearer, and I could pray. Lord, I’ve done everything I know how to do, and then some, I began, There’s nothing left of me to give. I’m weary and burdened, and I need some of that rest You promised. And no, not just a day or two.
Not much happened. But then the sermon started, and the pastor spoke about how during Lent we give up little things out of love for God.
It was a simple thought, and not a new one–to do things out of love for God–but suddenly a whole new reserve of energy opened up for me.
You see, it occurred to me that doing hard things out of love for Him is different than just doing hard things. It’s even different than doing hard things with prayer and faith. It takes the problems I face out of the center of my heart, and puts God there, instead. It switches the order from:
God, I need Your help with this problem
to
Father, I will face this problem out of love for You.
There are many, many things I am certain I can’t deal with in life, but is there anything I’m unwilling to face out of love for God? No. No, there is not.
For like Paul, I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
