I was a kid when I accidentally discovered what Norman Vincent Peale aptly called “the amazing power of the unexpected, spirit-lifting compliment.” One day in third grade I said to my teacher, “You tell the best stories! I feel like I’m right there with you.” Miss Fantini was a wonderful teacher but she was on the serious side. When I said that, though, her whole demeanor lightened. “Thank you,” she said. “That’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me.” She had a glow about her all day.
Ever since I’ve loved giving compliments, especially to people whose efforts and talents might go unacknowledged. It’s also a neat little trick for staying positive: Making them feel good makes me feel good too.
Accepting compliments, that’s what I have trouble with. I’m happy to hear good things about my dog, my clothes, my cooking. But when compliments go deeper, I feel uncomfortable. Not long ago, one of my coworkers read my final edit of a story and said, “You have such a nice touch. You took an anecdote that’s slight and gave it substance.” I did manage to mumble thanks, but then I added, “No big deal, really.”
Why did I deflect a compliment that was obviously sincere? And if I was honest with myself, well-earned (after all, I’d spent an entire morning at my computer rethinking and reworking that story). I suspect it’s my upbringing. I’m the child of immigrants from China and humility is big in Chinese culture. Touting your own achievements is frowned upon, and accepting a compliment feels to me like I’m patting myself on the back.
But the reason doesn’t matter as much as my reaction, which was less than gracious. No more negative responses to positive feedback. From now on, I’m going to try to accept compliments in the spirit they were given. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to deprive the compliment giver of the good feeling that comes from making someone else feel good, would it?
P.S. Want some tips on how to take compliments to heart? Check out this article by Alina Larson.
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