The Challenges of Transitioning a Loved One into a Senior Facility

Hello Guideposts, I’m Stephanie Thompson. These are my tips for long-distance caregiving.

Two years ago, my husband’s grandmother, Mamaw, came to us and said, “The boys and I have talked, and it’s time we make the move.” By “boys,” my 91-year-old grandma meant her sons, who were 70 years old, 69 and 70 years old.

They’d lived in their home in Poteau for over 60 years so I knew that moving from Poteau, Oklahoma, population 8,000, to the Oklahoma City area, a metro area of half a million people, was going to be a huge change.

So what I did was slow play it. Even though Mamaw said she was ready, she came up and we looked at a dozen retirement centers. But none of them were really right, and I think none of them were really right because it wasn’t the right time. I’d moved other relatives before, both of my grandmothers, and I knew that it was not a decision that you should make quickly or lightly. Something had to happen to make it a last resort.

So we just waited. 13 months passed, and that traumatic event happened. Bob, her younger son, got debilitated. He started falling at home, he went to live with Mamaw, and of course Mamaw couldn’t take care of him, she was 90 years old. He had to go to a nursing home. Just Mamaw going to try to take care of him was too much. So then we knew it was time to move.

Well, God really provided because even though we had looked at a dozen different retirement homes, I found two retirement places in Oklahoma City that were near me and we hadn’t looked at either one of those places. And would you believe they were both perfect? So I went ahead and orchestrated the move for Mamaw.

Of course, I lived 3 hours away. It was very difficult trying to get moving boxes. I couldn’t go down there and pack her. And there were so many people who stepped in. Even the people from the church stepped in, choir friends stepped in to help her pack.

Now I’m not saying Mamaw didn’t do anything, because she worked really, really hard, too. I mean, can you imagine moving from your house of 62 years? But she did it. And she did it, not in her own strength, she did it with the strength of God. And I’m so proud of her and I’m so thrilled that she is living in Oklahoma City near me.

Consider professional help. There are companies out there, professional people who are bonded, who can help your loved one, whether it’s with meals, whether it’s medication, whether it’s housekeeping—whatever their needs might be, there are people who can help and you don’t have to do it yourself.

Another tip for long-distance caregiving is to share responsibilities between family members. When it was time to move my grandmother, my sister took all the financial responsibility. She was in charge of paying the bills, of looking at all the accounts, of doing everything like that because she lived out-of-state.

I was able to be in-state so I was the person who showed up to do the day-to-day things to help with the long-distance caregiving, whether that was getting Grandma’s groceries delivered or finding out who was going to come by and do the yard.

The other tip I’d like to share about long-distance caregiving is remember to be empathetic. You know, this is someone’s life. The end of someone’s life. And my mom used to say, and still does say, “Getting old is not for sissies.” So be empathetic to your loved one. Let them know that you care but also keep in mind that things are sometimes not the way they want it either and it’s difficult.

The greatest spiritual lesson I’ve learned as a caregiver is that it’s not up to me. I’m a take-charge, do-it-myself, bossy kind of woman and I tried to do it all on my own and I tried to do it all on my strength but I couldn’t. So I learned that God will send people. God sent so many people to help. And it’s not up to me. As much as I love Mamaw and her sons, God loves her more.