The holiday season can be fraught for people who are grieving, whether it’s their first Christmas without a loved one or the tenth. Any movie, song, decoration and tradition is a potential trigger. It can be a time of extreme loneliness—when the comfort of a friend or family member is needed most.
But what to say to someone who’s grieving? How can we truly be a help? The fear of doing the wrong thing can be paralyzing. So we don’t call or visit, then feel guilty. I’m a chaplain and grief counselor with decades of experience, and I’ve worked in both hospice and healthcare settings. I’ve found there are specific, concrete ways to support someone who is grieving during this or any season.
Offer a safe place
I met with Janeen in the week between Christmas and the New Year to talk about her first family Christmas without her sister and to help her work through how to tell her parents what she wanted to do on New Year’s Eve. A high school senior, Janeen still wanted to go to a party that she and her friends had planned. Again and again, she talked about her appreciation for one family member who didn’t judge her for taking time alone or make her feel guilty if she laughed.
“I just want to be able to feel what I’m feeling,” Janeen told me. “Being sad, having fun, needing space, crying. All of it. I can’t fit into someone else’s box.
”Perhaps more than any other time of year, the winter holidays come with expectations. At each social outing, family meal, even church service, those grieving are met with pressure to appear a certain way—to perform, in a sense. It can be draining.
Everyone experiences grief differently, as Janeen showed. A person who’s grieving can hold opposing emotions: joy and sadness, anger and peace, hope and despondency. Make a conscious choice to offer a safe place for the griever to feel and experience the holiday however it presents.
Say their name
“Thank you for saying his name,” Justin’s mom told me. “Outside of our immediate family, you’re one of the only people who does.” It had been a few years since her son’s death in a tragic accident. In her interactions with close friends and even relatives, it was as if he’d been erased, as if he’d never existed.
It can feel uncomfortable to speak the name of someone who has died, but it sends a message to the griever that you recognize the impact the loss of their loved one’s physical presence continues to have. There’s a fear of not wanting to remind the person of their loss or add to their grief—but your friend hasn’t forgotten. Avoiding speaking of someone who’s died creates a second kind of loss.
Phrases such as “Jack would have found this hilarious” or “Susan would be so frustrated that this is happening” reassure the griever that their loved one’s life had meaning and influence that live on. Sharing your own stories or memories of the person who died gives the griever additional appreciation of their loved one. It also aids in your own grief process. Don’t forget that even though your loss may not be as direct, you are grieving too. When no other words will come, say their name. It’s one of the best ways to show you care.
Be specific and consistent
From the moment the woman sat down with me, frustration was etched across her face. “No one’s calling any-more,” she told me. “The people who used to ask if I wanted to go out with them to lunch have just gone silent. I think it’s because I told them no too many times.”
I hear this often. People who are grieving have a limited amount of energy to give each day. There will be times when an invitation that requires social and emotional interaction is simply too much for them. But they’re not saying they will never be interested. Assure them you understand and will call again. Then make sure to do so. And keep calling whenever the griever comes to mind—even if they decline a second, third or eighth time. You don’t know when they might feel ready for a visit or going out. They won’t think to call you. It’s not a slight. The way the brain functions in grief, grievers won’t remember who offered what when. Do them a favor and take off the pressure of being the one to reach out.
When you do call, be specific. Whether you’re offering to clean the house once a week, pick up groceries, go to a movie or on a walk, be clear about the date and duration of the activity. A vague “let me know if you need anything” is not helpful. It’s overwhelming. Offer what is in your capacity to deliver. Just making the call reassures the griever they’re not forgotten.
Ask what they need today
I was dealing with the unexpected loss of a friend, and as other friends reached out, my mind began to see patterns. Some people would ask open-ended questions designed to help me process what I was feeling. They were coming from a place of love and empathy. Others would ask first what I wanted to talk about, giving me a choice. Both approaches are appreciated, yet the second was what I needed most in the depths of my grief.
You will serve the grievers in your life well if you begin the conversation with something like “Do you want to talk about Joe today? Or do you want a distraction—or just quiet?” Trust whatever response they give. If distraction is chosen, it’s not a sign that you’re a bad listener. You might be the only person giving them a choice or the space to pretend, if only for a couple of hours, that their life hasn’t been irrevocably changed, and that choice is a gift.
It’s not about you
Though this might seem obvious, in our eagerness to help, it’s often forgotten. Do not volunteer what helped you in your grief. Do not come armed with your favorite Bible verses, the message your minister preached or a book that comforted you. The effort is well intentioned, but what the griever receives is a story about you, rather than a focus on them. Do not say you know what they are going through. You don’t. If you are close to the griever, they know your experience and might eventually ask, “How did you deal with this?” When that day comes, share your experiences, but until then allow the griever to lead.
Even when you’re asked, resist the temptation to tell them what they should do. Suggest rather than direct. Be clear that this is what worked for you and that their journey may be different. Everyone processes grief in their own time frame.
Likewise, when you’re helping a person who’s grieving, the only spiritual beliefs that matter are theirs. It’s not the time to preach about your faith. Allow the space to ask questions, to express doubts, to voice anger or apathy. Grief can lead to spiritual evolution and growth. Let God work. Your role is to be a friend.
Embrace silence
Early in my career, I worked as a healthcare chaplain, which gave me the opportunity to walk daily alongside people experiencing a wide range of grief. I quickly learned there were situations that my seminary training hadn’t quite prepared me for.
One day, I went to the room of a woman who’d just lost her newborn. After baptizing the child as she requested, I added, “God is big enough to take any and all of your emotions.” I was proud of how I’d summoned those words of comfort.
Until the woman responded, “If God is big enough for any of my emotions, why isn’t God big enough to save my child?” Nearly 20 years later, I don’t know how I fumbled through the rest of our conversation, but I fully remember the feeling as I left the room. My words had tainted that moment and focused her mind on more pain, rather than the comfort and hope she found in baptism.
The best possible way I could have served her in that moment would have been to baptize her child and then simply hold witness. She didn’t need my attempts at explanations. She didn’t need a theological perspective. What she needed was for her child’s life and death to be recognized, her pain to be seen and to be given space to just be in her newly broken world.
Holding silence in a manner that gives witness to someone else’s experience, without judgment or interruption of any kind, has a healing power all its own. When you find yourself wanting to fill the silence, ask yourself if the comment truly benefits the receiver, if the time is right and if what you want to say might cause more harm. Let those answers guide you. Sometimes simply sitting with someone in their pain brings more validation, comfort and relief than any words can.
Really, everything about how best to help someone who’s lost a loved one comes back to this foundation you can lean on in moments of doubt: Start with the griever, and let them lead. The rest will follow.
